Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

It is better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt.
— Unknown | Frequently attributed, probably inaccurately, to Abraham Lincoln or Mark Twain

If all else fails, hug a dog.
— Unknown

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the “present.”
— Oogway (voiced by Randall Duk Kim) in Kung Fu Panda

Winners never quit and quitters never win. But if the game is rigged, and there is no possibility of winning, and I still won’t quit, I’m just an idiot.
— Unknown

Listen to the mustn’ts, child.
Listen to the don’ts.
Listen to the shouldn’ts,
the impossibles, the won’ts.
Listen to the never haves.
Then listen close to me…
Anything can happen, child.
Anything can be.
— Shel Silverstein

Many quotes on the Internet are incorrectly attributed.
— Socrates | Frequently misattributed to Mark Twain, Albert Einstein, Eleanor Roosevelt, Helen Keller, Abraham Lincoln, Ralph Waldo Emmerson, Gandhi, Winston Churchill, and others.

May you be happier than a bird with a french fry.
— Unknown

My life has a superb cast. But I can’t figure out the plot.
— Unknown

I see stupid people. They’re everywhere. Walking around like regular people. The only see what they want to see. They don’t know they’re stupid.
– Apologies to Cole Sear (played by Haley Joel Osment) in The Sixth Sense

If you obey all the rules, you miss half the fun.
— Katharine Hepburn

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
– George Eliot (1819-1880)

Stay between the rails and out of the jails.
— Amtrak conductor, over the intercom on Thursday morning commute